Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize