Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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