I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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