Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i barfeds in our rink
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
