here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
