Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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