Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
