Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
