when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
