I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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