i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
