captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
