ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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