Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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