she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
