Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
