They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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