i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
