Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
