I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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