next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
