why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
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