just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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