i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Enjoy the penises
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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