Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
