Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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