We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
