one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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