I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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