my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
