our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
