i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
