I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
