my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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