My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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