tonight lets celebrate not being married
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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