The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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