I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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