Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
