dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
