I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
