I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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