Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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