May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
