Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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