she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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