He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
