bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
