my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
