So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
