how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
