Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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