so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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