i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I am available for nakedness
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
